John, Lee and Debbie were down yesterday to see Mum and Dad for their birthdays. I made lemon bundt cakes which kept the East Anglians happy and later John taught me how to play blackjack. We used cocktail sticks and nuts left over from christmas as chips - cocktail sticks were worth 1, hazelnuts were 10 and almonds were 100. After a while I got the hang of the game and a new chip - a walnut, worth 1000 - had to be brought in. After playing for a while with Mum (and Dad for a few hands while Mum made coffees), I finally broke the bank and came away from the table with rather a taste for gambling. Apparently it’s harder at a casino cos they use more than one pack of cards, but I think I might have to try it one time… what are life savings for?

While the boys were here yesterday, they installed airport to the house. Not an airport. That would take longer. Apple Airport enables our network and internet access to be cable free and we can also play music from our computers via the stereo in the sitting room should we wish. It’s all very flash and, no, you can’t play. All the wiring for the base station has been done in a very tidy Marchant kinda way (it’s not going to be undone in a hurry!), which meant Lee was on his hands and knees in and out of the cupboard for quite a while. Leaving me ample opportunity to give him wedgies, put coasters and pens down his trousers, bits of plastic in his back pockets and - I’m particularly proud of this one - a tail attached to his belt loop. It took a while to attach as he kept batting me off, but eventually I sneaked it on and later added the little red end to it. He can just consider the beginning of my revenge for the lost years of my youth I spent locked between his legs while he sat on the sofa.

Still haven’t taken that picture of my pond have I? Wait until it’s summer, I might go outdoors then. Suzy says I’ve got to write a blog. I believe “get your bottom in gear” was the phrase. It’s alright for her, she hasn’t got half a tonne of iron bar strapped across her teeth, digging into her cheeks and making her look like a chipmunk. Yes children, the wily ways of my teeth are being curbed by a fixed brace again. I’d got them sorted once when I was about 17, but then I was ill and didn’t wear my retainer, resulting in my teeth taking a walk on the slightly wild side again.

I got the bottom track done back in September (and got an enormous ulcer from it cos I decided not to believe that the wax I’d been given to stop it rubbing would be any good. Turned out it was just the job *sighs at self*). That wasn’t too bad cos it was hidden by my bottom lip (not your bottom lip) most of the time. However, this top track is rather more prominent so I look a bit like that villain from James Bond. Maybe I should do something villainous to really make the most of it. I only had it put on two days ago, so my face is still getting used to the extra stuff it’s got to fit over. The bloody thing’s rubbing and keeps sticking to the inside of my cheeks. I’ve put some wax on the especially pointy bits, but of course that means even more bulk, hence the rather natty chipmunk impression I’ve been perfecting since Wednesday.

Although it’s being done on the NHS, I’ve still had to pay out for the privilege of a face full of metal - about £400. And my word, what treats you get for your money … picture the scene: on Wednesday, first of all I was kitted out with some orange goggles to protect my eyes from the ultra violet magic ray gun that’s used to set the cement. Very chic. Then, I had to hold a sucky tube thing in my mouth (which kept sticking to my tongue resulting in a vaguely amusing ssssshhhhhh - thhpp - ssssshhhhhh noise every time it happened and I moved it again). Looking good so far, don’t you think? Having had bits of my teeth polished with something which made most of my head vibrate, Mrs Orthodontist then sprayed them with a high pressure jet of what I assume was water, although it could have been acid if she was working in league with a dentist. Cash for teeth or something. And while that was in my mouth along with the ssssshhhhhh - thhpp machine, Ms Technician Helper Woman had another sucky pipe thing in my gob as well to get rid of what was being blown in there. Well, they’ve got to have their fun somehow, haven’t they?