ssssshhhhhh – thhpp – ssssshhhhhh

7 January 2005

Still haven’t taken that picture of my pond have I? Wait until it’s summer, I might go outdoors then. Suzy says I’ve got to write a blog. I believe “get your bottom in gear” was the phrase. It’s alright for her, she hasn’t got half a tonne of iron bar strapped across her teeth, digging into her cheeks and making her look like a chipmunk. Yes children, the wily ways of my teeth are being curbed by a fixed brace again. I’d got them sorted once when I was about 17, but then I was ill and didn’t wear my retainer, resulting in my teeth taking a walk on the slightly wild side again.

I got the bottom track done back in September (and got an enormous ulcer from it cos I decided not to believe that the wax I’d been given to stop it rubbing would be any good. Turned out it was just the job *sighs at self*). That wasn’t too bad cos it was hidden by my bottom lip (not your bottom lip) most of the time. However, this top track is rather more prominent so I look a bit like that villain from James Bond. Maybe I should do something villainous to really make the most of it. I only had it put on two days ago, so my face is still getting used to the extra stuff it’s got to fit over. The bloody thing’s rubbing and keeps sticking to the inside of my cheeks. I’ve put some wax on the especially pointy bits, but of course that means even more bulk, hence the rather natty chipmunk impression I’ve been perfecting since Wednesday.

Although it’s being done on the NHS, I’ve still had to pay out for the privilege of a face full of metal – about £400. And my word, what treats you get for your money … picture the scene: on Wednesday, first of all I was kitted out with some orange goggles to protect my eyes from the ultra violet magic ray gun that’s used to set the cement. Very chic. Then, I had to hold a sucky tube thing in my mouth (which kept sticking to my tongue resulting in a vaguely amusing ssssshhhhhh – thhpp – ssssshhhhhh noise every time it happened and I moved it again). Looking good so far, don’t you think? Having had bits of my teeth polished with something which made most of my head vibrate, Mrs Orthodontist then sprayed them with a high pressure jet of what I assume was water, although it could have been acid if she was working in league with a dentist. Cash for teeth or something. And while that was in my mouth along with the ssssshhhhhh – thhpp machine, Ms Technician Helper Woman had another sucky pipe thing in my gob as well to get rid of what was being blown in there. Well, they’ve got to have their fun somehow, haven’t they?