Feeling useful

20 July 2006

I went out earlier for a little evening wander and as I was walking back towards my abode, I heard a guy calling “Excuse me!” behind me. As is my wont, I ignored the first call on the assumption it wasn’t for me, turning only when he called again. A blonde man in his early 30s was coming towards me, asking to speak to me. He started excusing himself, hoping he wasn’t causing any trouble. I assured him he wasn’t, hoping to myself that, for his sake, he wasn’t going to ask for directions anywhere. I knew where my front door was from where I stood, but that was about it.

The man squatted down next to me and began to tell me that his friend had just had a baby. My bullshitometer kicked in rather über-energetically, as thought to myself, “Ha! I don’t believe a word of it! This is a scam! There’s no friend! I’m not giving you money! You can’t have my phone! I could poke you in the eye and just run!”. Fortunately unable to hear these thoughts, the man continued his sentence: his friend had just had a baby, who had been diagnosed with dwarfism. The parents were looking for a local support group and would it be alright if they spoke to me?

I replied that I’d be delighted to talk to them and gave him – yes, a total stranger – my name and telephone number. Aware that, on the whole, the notion of offering such information to strangers isn’t usually to be found in the “How to stay alive and not kidnapped in 2006″ handbook, I took a good look at the guy so I could tell the police what he looked like – you know, after the ransom had been paid and I was back where I belonged. He was a man, he had blonde hair and he was wearing a shirt. I think the film of my ordeal would be called “Sketch Artist III: Descriptions That Are Of No Use At All”.

The couple live in a nearby village and their baby is a girl. I’m really hoping they do call, as I’d love to pass on my wisdom. And we all know I have a lot of wisdom. Plus, from my own point of view, I’d love to see the little bubba and ooh and aah over her.