Perhaps you had to be there for some of these, but still …(see also: The Rude Ones)

28.12.07
Sarah, on why she didn’t spot Windsor Castle at first: “I was looking too far close.”

21.11.07
John to Sarah: “I’d aim for £10 to £12 an hour, because for £7 an hour you could be down the supermarket stacking the lower two shelves.”

11.11.07
Sarah: “He’s extravagating!”

28.08.07 (looking at a grid of stones at Bratislava castle in Slovakia)
Sarah: What’s this?
Mum: It appears to be some kind of mapsky.

27.07.07
Mum: What’s another word for “mockery”?
Dad, without missing a beat: Piss-take
Mum: A word

15.10.06
Sam: “I’m an experiential learner … it turns out”

3.5.06
(on packing lightly)Sarah: “I need to take at least 3 bras with me”
Rogue: “Well they’re only small”
Sarah: “You haven’t seen my bras”

7.4.06
Suzy: “Awoo, awoo”
Sarah looks at Suzy
Suzy: “What?”
Sarah: “You’re a bit crazy”
Suzy: “Why?”
Sarah: “Because you said ‘awoo, awoo’”
Suzy: “Did I? … I thought it was you”

10.3.03
Sarah: “You’re crazy”
Mum: “It’s what keeps me sane”

26.3.06
Dad, talking to an advert on TV: “Why did you pull that off there? … Asshole.”

17.12.05 (playing Pictionary)
Sam: “‘Kill Bill’?”
Bill: “Just try and guess the film”

30.10.05
Dad to Mum: “Don’t look at me in that murderous fashion!”

27.9.05
Sarah: “t-c-h-f”
John: “F for Freddie?”
Sarah: “Or for Andrew”

31.8.05 (with the faster ADSL connection)
Sarah: “You’ll be downloading porn all day”
Dad: “Uploading it as well”

19.8.05
Helen: “… you donut - don’t …”
Lauren, Suzy and Sarah: [ridiculously childish laughter] “Ha ha ha, you said donut!”

2.8.05
Sarah: “It’s hard being me”
John: “Especially for other people”

23.7.05
Lauren: “I might have to leave”
Dave: “Cos the wasp’s turned up?”
John: “Is it wearing the same outfit or something?”

23.7.05
Lauren to Dave: “You’re very pasty … but i don’t mind”

19.5.05
Suzy to Sarah, via SMS: “It’s true, you are a clever girl. And a tart”

22.3.04
Suzy, evidently bored by Sarah’s story: “Finish that, and I’ll tell you about my eating habits”

13.11.04
Mum: “You’ve got mumpkins to puff” (you’ve got pumpkin muffins to make)

Man: “Phil, can you come here?”
Phil: “Only if you say it slightly louder next time”

1.1.02
Suzy: “I haven’t drunk too much green cocktail. But I did.”

Sarah: “So it’s your fault, really”
Mum: “Don’t give a toss, actually”

16.7.04
Suzy, seeing bagpipes: “Sack trumpet!”

16.7.04
Suzy (not much later): “Birdery … birdarium …” (aviary)

19.12.04
Dad: “So what’s happening that means all those policemen are there?”
Mum: “Carols on the green”
Dad: “Is she?”

26.6.04
Sarah: “Say hello, Mr Terry”
Ken: “Hello, Mr Terry”

25.3.04
Sarah: “Say something nice”
Hubert: “Something nice”

10.11.03
Sam, after her first-class flight to Boston: “There wasn’t enough lobster”

18.2.02
Sarah: “Put your thing in your cheek and smile”

9.2.00
Ella: “I’m starting to think I’m developing a st-stutter”

15.1.02
Sarah: “I hate it when your ear kind of closes up and I can’t jam things in there”

17.1.03
Charlie Cooper: “… and if you do come into a lot of money you can’t handle, give us a ring”

30.1.03
Sarah: “I’ve been working from noon to night”

7.12.99
Sam: “Is that your bank of things stupid people have said?”

22.1.99
Miss Glover: “Nothing’s never not true”

12.2.99
Ella: “I have just disproved my existence”

26.6.96
Mrs West: “The other class were doing the same, just a little bit different”

8.3.00
Sam: “I don’t really like all this fancy homemade stuff. I prefer cheap stuff. sausages for example. I like the ones made from bread and poo. I don’t want all those cacky bits of pig in them”

26.3.99
Faye: “Denny and Paget were plotting, planning and stamping stuff”

17.5.00
Ella: “Wouldn’t you call Anjou an intervention?”
Sarah: “Not to his face”

20.6.96
Suzy: “There were more 2 - 4 chillimetre garbol pips” (millimetre marble chips)

19.9.99
Dad: “The dog is almost certainly as big as that kid. Height, not length and fluffiness”

21.9.99
Ella: “I’m going to save my diversions for a more irritating point”
Clare: “I realised I have no notes on Philip III”
Mrs Bolton: “But you rectified that”
Clare: “Huh?”

Lynsey: “Shut up, I get upset when people have a go at my home land”
Sarah to Ella: “Is she Spanish then?”
Ella: “Did she just say haemorrhoids?”

Mr Harrison: “Who did people go to Canterbury to see?”
Sarah: “England versus Kenya?”

15.7.96
Mrs Brooking: “Look, Victoria, are you dim or what?”

19.9.99
Mum: “Where do you want these eye pickers?” (tweezers)

29.4.99
Miss Poulton: “The sun controls the tides”

10.1.99
Faye: “Lerma made pizza with the Dutch rebels”

25.10.99
Sarah: “You’re not left-handed are you?”
Mum: “Not usually”

22.3.99
Kate: “Drinks are more expensive than to buy a left lung”

29.6.96
Suzy: “You’ll have to go around with your eyes over your hands”

17.5.99
Mrs Corp to Chantelle: “You’re just a walking ego”

9.6.99
Mr Harrison: “Do you know what it says?”
Sarah: “Well Ella does, so I’ll listen to her”
LH: “Do you know, Sarah?”
SM: “Yes, i know Sarah. She’s a lovely girl”
LH: “Oh God”
SM: “I’m God?” to Ella “he does like me”

11.11.99
Mrs Corp: “Bric-a-brac - like Sarah: cheap and being given away”

5.5.99
Ella: “A male name beginning with y”
Claire: “William”

Kate: “Context - text that has been in prison”

27.2.00
Mum: “You have more shoes than the World Wildlife Fund for Nature”

12.10.99
Louise (sounding a little suspicious): “A little man called Dave comes down and picks you up”

Mr Harrison: “Behave yourselves, children”
Sarah Brown: “Or you’ll get a good spanking”

18.5.00
Mrs Bolton: “It doesn’t repeat itself, is it?”

1.3.00
Mr Lewis re Mr Harrison: “Some people never grow up and he won’t”

30.6.99
Sarah: “What are your eyebrows for?”
Dad: “To stop your frown falling over your eyes”

17.5.99
Suzy: “I added 4 onto 15 and got Tuesday”

2.4.96
Mrs Corp: “I’ve got that to hand, I’ll just go and get it”

14.4.99
Mrs Bolton: “They thunk about god”

23.7.99
Wetherspoon’s - a drunk man enters and sees Sarah: “She’s not 18. She’s 22″

13.6.96
Suzy: “We’ll need some diluted water”

Miss Poulton to Sarah Brown: “I should be able to see a lump in your throat like a snake when it swallows a gazelle”

11.6.99
Sarah: “Would you like a manicure?”
Mr Lewis: “Painted jezebel”

12.10.99
Mrs Corp: “Shut up Sarah, you’re so snorky.”

Faye’s opinion of the internet policy: “It’s pants”

Karen: “la” (you had to be there…)

24.5.99
Lynsey: “What do you eat for breakfast, Chantelle?”
Lauren: “Valium”

14.12.97
Mr Harrison: “The video is slipping from my mind”
Lauren: “That’s old age for you”

2.12.98
Mr Lewis: “It’s about 600 years old - about as old as I feel”
Suzy: “And look”

21.10.99
Suzy to Sarah: “To stop you yawning, I’ll stick my fingers in your mouth”
Lauren: “I”ll stick my feet in your mouth”

20.10.99
Mr Lewis: “When was the last time you went to an art gallery, I wonder?”
Katherine Bell: “I stood outside one once”

7.10.99
Mrs Bolton: “High Rocks is the most seedy place - and I’ve been to some seedy places”

9.3.99
Mr Gardner to Lynsey: “What a fine specimen of English womanhood”

“Do you like your hair?”
Karen: “No, but it’s quite liderally growing on me”

18.10.99
Lauren / Sarah”I want a divorce” etc.

24.3.99
A Chinese whisper, passing through Ella, Miss Lenton and Mr Harrison: “Ella’s pregnant”

10.6.99
Mrs Corp to Lauren on going to Malta with Dave: “Is this your 80 year old one? I bet he wants more than a handshake. You old slapper”

6.10.98
Mr Harrison: “Are there 12 or 13 in the group? … are there 12 or 13 in the group?”
Mrs Corp: “I’m having a really bad day today. Do you think i’ve got Alzheimers?”
Mr Harrison: “Yes, probably. Are there 12 or 13 in the group?”

20.9.99
Mr Lewis on the Amish: “I’d rather have buttons and not go to the cinema”

Suzy on hearing she has tickets for Eddie Izzard: “Right, I shall go and write that all over the wall”

28.1.00
Miss Poulton: “I’m going to Brazil, so I’m going to try and …”
Sarah: “… take him?” (a young man whose identity is known only to Year 13 English Literature students!)

2.5.00
Suzy: “If you don’t like what you look like, you need to be in a clinic”

Mrs Corp trying to use modern terms: “Ooh, visible panty liner!”

18.5.00
Miss Lenton: “Don’t hit on me!”

Helen sits on Lara
Lara: “Rape!”
Helen: “You wish”

Mrs Bolton to Chantelle: “You have warped views.”

14.2.00
Mr Lewis on Donna’s recurring tonsillitis: “If you were a horse, you’d have been put down by now.”

20.9.99
Mrs Corp: “She’d made the keel out of brown wood”

Sarah: “I think he was going to hit me”
Mum: “Well go back and find out”

re Jim Henson’s Creature Workshop
Dad: “If they can’t do it tell them to come and see me”
“Why?”
Dad: “I’ll sympathise”

8.11.99
Mrs Corp: “Meningitis forms - remember, if you don’t bring it back, I will give you the injection myself, with a compass”

re fund-raising for Ella and Emily to go to the USA:
“What’s it for?”
“To send them to America”
Faye: “I’ll give £10″

10.12.99
Miss Poulton: “Say something intelligent”
Sarah: “You look lovely today”
Miss Poulton: “Not something obvious, say something intelligent”

17.10.99
Eddie Izzard: “I’ve got a big fat one” (marker pen)

1.3.00
Mr Lewis: “I quite like the idea of a spinster in the attic”

18.11.99
Sarah to Chantelle: “Bonding not bondage” (making sure Chantelle knew the difference at a drama workshop)

18.11.99
Chantelle: “I laid the table not the eggs”

28.1.00
Miss Poulton: “Real life is the omelette”

2.12.99
Sarah in response to a silence after a name called out for the register (in the foyer of the Criterion theatre, London): “I saw her going to the toilet”

31.7.99
After a noisy plane goes overhead
Mum: “One did that at about twenty past six the other day”
Lee: “Did one?”

29.11.99
Mr Lewis: “‘Always keeps his hand on her constantly.’ What’s her constantly? Oh, I see”

11.11.99
Mrs Corp: “Claire?”
Claire: “Yes?”
Mrs Corp: “Raffle tickets?”
Claire: “No”

10.12.99
Miss Poulton: “Is there anything there that’s going to scare you?”
Katherine: “Well, the chickens are pecking”

11.2.00
Suzy after Sarah sings an odd note: “Good God, I thought you had a trumpet there!”